Oh Maia, I’m so sorry ❤️ It’s very human to feel all of this, and to find it unbearable. You don’t need to be a particular way in it - let yourself feel what you feel. The Buddha is holding you and Lucy, whatever happens. I had a beloved Lucy dog too - she died just over 3 years ago and I grieved for a long time. Enjoy your time together, enjoy your love of each other, no matter what happens from this hard place of not knowing ❤️ Sending much love to you xxxx
Thank you, Utpaladhi -- I so much appreciate your words and the story about your beloved Lucy. I promise I'll do my best to enjoy these precious moments. And I'll forgive myself when I get caught up in the other stuff : )
Aging has finally teaching me the value of self forgiveness. I used to believe that chastising myself for my errors would push me to improve. But punishing myself just made me feel I wasn't worthy of good things or of people being good to me. Sometimes, I still think that way, but I realize that no one becomes better by being kicked, even (especially?) if the kicks come from within. I've spent a lifetime being ashamed for my emotions: fear, worry, sadness, all things I saw as weakness. I'm trying to remember that I can accept my feelings without doing what they tell me. I can own them and still know that I'm worthy of love. Because whatever you feel/do about Lucy and her outcome, I'm pretty sure she knows you still love her, and I'm pretty sure that she loves you. And what could matter more than that?
Maia, I’m so sorry to hear about what’s going on with Lucy. Thank you for sharing how you feel and a little about Lucy with us. One of my cats, Portman, had a flare up of pancreatitis earlier this summer, and it was extremely uncomfortable. (I felt like a wreck.) If I can offer any solace during this difficult time: it is clear this Lucy has been well loved in your care, and that you’ve built a beautiful relationship. Sending you both much metta. 🩵
I just put down my beloved dog almost 14 years the other day. it was a difficult decision. not knowing went on for almost 2 weeks. He wouldn’t eat very much even when I offered choice food like chicken and rice or even special treats. he would eat a little here and there, but as time went on his rejection of food increased, He not only didn’t want to run around as much and was sleeping more, there was just a tired look in his face and in his eyes. I felt like it was time to say goodbye. I struggled with should I wait another few days etc. etc. I even made an appointment a week out for a vet to come to the home to put him down. But last Friday morning when he refused all treats and food, and I saw a certain look in his eyes I decided this is it and I took him in. It was a hard decision. I’ve had other dogs and it’s really difficult to know what to do sometimes so I feel your sadness and you’re not knowing. dogs are such beautiful friends. I wish you the best of luck.
Someone once said to me that during our time here we only receive unconditional love from two beings. Some animals and grandmothers. The price of that love is high, because when they go home before us the energy of their love literally leaves a hole in our heart. There are no words for saying goodbye to a beloved life we’ve shared, only to know we did our very best to return their devotion and to give them the best life they could have had. You know you’ll be with her again. For now I wish you both comfort, love and peace. 🙏🪷❤️
Maia, I have the same experience too. Our cat Alphonse, suddenly began losing weight and drinking lots of water. The vet gave us kibble for kidneys, but she didn’t eat it. As she became more frail, every night she would come into my room and want to sleep on my chest or right next to me. The love and bond was a joy I’ll never forget, even though she was slowly dying.
Eventually, on afternoon her bowels let go, and unable to even stand, we took her in to be euthanized. My wife, my son and his girlfriend all sat in a small room and watched as she faded into cat Nirvana. Tears still today attach to her. We have an urn and photos, and memories, but her loving being became the impermanence we know.
Lucy is so lucky to have you as her special human 💙 Uncertainty is so dang hard. I’m terrible at it, and terrible at waiting. I hope that y’all can relax into these precious days you have together.
Maia, I really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. It's so good to hear someone speak what we all go through anyway (and are often afraid to admit, even to ourselves). I also enjoyed Chloe's piece, so good. Emotions and the unknown are a difficult combination. I feel my humanness most at those times. Bless you and Lucy as you go through this new experience together.
I'm in a similar situation with my pup, Mandy. She has cancer and there's no real way to predict how long I have left with her. The uncertainty is hard. But at the same time, it makes every moment that I have with her all the more precious and special. Every walk outside, every couch snuggle, every thing - I'm thinking, this could be the last time, let this memory be fixed in my mind and heart. End of life is such a beautiful time of joy and tears all mixed together.
“That doesn’t mean to not feel things, not at all. But to find ways to hold the feelings in the largest container in the world – the truth of Love that’s at the heart of everything.”
it offers us, your readers, a chance, a way to see life in a different and better way. Some may never even have thought that way before, and your words may transform their life, who knows? It doesn’t mean you’re a hypocrite because you didn’t tell us about all the times you forgot this truth, or weren’t able to live up to it. You wouldn’t be able to share the sentiment if you didn’t know it in your heart. And knowing it, you write it, because you’re a writer. A writer is not required to confess all of their imperfections. If readers begin to think you are some kind of saint, that is their fault for not remembering that behind every written word is a human being just like them.
Please keep on writing the good stuff, sharing your wisdom and love with others!
definitely not a saint : ) was just beginning to feel, though, that there was a layer to 'me' (and we know how illusive that is) that may not have been very visible in previous writings, so it felt important to offer a more whole picture of the many 'me's' that are flowing through 'me.' I know you know what i mean!
Yes, I understand, and in fact, I really appreciated the vulnerability of this post. It was quite beautiful. I think it was just that first part I was responding to. 💚
Oh and also, I’d been thinking lately about how the nature of writing autobiographical essay in general can lead people to believing you are someone you’re not. I’m aware of this when I write, knowing that I’m leaving out all kinds of stuff!
I know, right?! It's a strange experience, perhaps something like what celebrities go through. Not that we are exactly celebrities! But you start to see how easy it is for people to project things on you, and how a lot of the complexity of who we are can get lost in these public personas.
I think everyone has to remember that even memoirists, especially writers of short biographical essays, are storytellers producing a work of art. Nothing is false, and yet the character presented is not the same character as the writer.
In fact, even in a full-length memoir, a writer has her writer’s voice, which is not necessarily the same voice that her friends and family know. Yes?
Well said, Don. Every word we write is both a glimpse inside ourselves, yet it can never be the whole self. I kinda remember you wrote a piece about just that!
Maia, My heart is with you and Lucy. I know how difficult this is and how nothing can be done but to live through it. I found Gina's comment that animals don't experience fear like we do. That's something I'll chew on, and that might help me in the future when I go through this again with my other older cat.
I have been many times where you are with Lucy. It is part of loving and caring for these precious beings and it is never easy. Good that you are leaning on your support system. I wrote about loosing a dog in my post Rocky's Goodbye. Perhaps reading that will help you. Not that you are loosing her yet, but that is the problem with older dogs. We just never know how close the end is. We want to do what is right. But what is right? And as for the other struggles you are having around being a light for others when you are overcome by darkness yourself, good for you. Your light is still there. Your gift is still real. If you had never experienced darkness in your life, how would you know how to lead others out of it? And unfortunately, we generally don't just experience hard things once and then become experts on them. We cycle through the hard times in our life over and over again. That is part of life. Thanks for your writing and your tenacity.
And I have every faith that my light is still there, even in the darkness. My writing about this comes more from a sense of wanting to be in integrity with readers and being open and honest about challenges. Thank you for reading : )
Oh Maia, I’m so sorry ❤️ It’s very human to feel all of this, and to find it unbearable. You don’t need to be a particular way in it - let yourself feel what you feel. The Buddha is holding you and Lucy, whatever happens. I had a beloved Lucy dog too - she died just over 3 years ago and I grieved for a long time. Enjoy your time together, enjoy your love of each other, no matter what happens from this hard place of not knowing ❤️ Sending much love to you xxxx
Thank you, Utpaladhi -- I so much appreciate your words and the story about your beloved Lucy. I promise I'll do my best to enjoy these precious moments. And I'll forgive myself when I get caught up in the other stuff : )
Aging has finally teaching me the value of self forgiveness. I used to believe that chastising myself for my errors would push me to improve. But punishing myself just made me feel I wasn't worthy of good things or of people being good to me. Sometimes, I still think that way, but I realize that no one becomes better by being kicked, even (especially?) if the kicks come from within. I've spent a lifetime being ashamed for my emotions: fear, worry, sadness, all things I saw as weakness. I'm trying to remember that I can accept my feelings without doing what they tell me. I can own them and still know that I'm worthy of love. Because whatever you feel/do about Lucy and her outcome, I'm pretty sure she knows you still love her, and I'm pretty sure that she loves you. And what could matter more than that?
Maia, I’m so sorry to hear about what’s going on with Lucy. Thank you for sharing how you feel and a little about Lucy with us. One of my cats, Portman, had a flare up of pancreatitis earlier this summer, and it was extremely uncomfortable. (I felt like a wreck.) If I can offer any solace during this difficult time: it is clear this Lucy has been well loved in your care, and that you’ve built a beautiful relationship. Sending you both much metta. 🩵
It's an extraordinary relationship, I am forever grateful. Thank you for these kind and comforting words, Logan!
Hey Dharma cousin, sent an Enme in your direction today. Gassho!
that warms my heart, Genku. thank you and three bows
Hi Maia,
I just put down my beloved dog almost 14 years the other day. it was a difficult decision. not knowing went on for almost 2 weeks. He wouldn’t eat very much even when I offered choice food like chicken and rice or even special treats. he would eat a little here and there, but as time went on his rejection of food increased, He not only didn’t want to run around as much and was sleeping more, there was just a tired look in his face and in his eyes. I felt like it was time to say goodbye. I struggled with should I wait another few days etc. etc. I even made an appointment a week out for a vet to come to the home to put him down. But last Friday morning when he refused all treats and food, and I saw a certain look in his eyes I decided this is it and I took him in. It was a hard decision. I’ve had other dogs and it’s really difficult to know what to do sometimes so I feel your sadness and you’re not knowing. dogs are such beautiful friends. I wish you the best of luck.
Eileen
Thank you, Eileen, for feeling this deeply in the midst of your own experience. They are such beautiful friends, giving unconditional love.
sweet sweet LUCY... luckiest being...
and i am the lucky one too....
Someone once said to me that during our time here we only receive unconditional love from two beings. Some animals and grandmothers. The price of that love is high, because when they go home before us the energy of their love literally leaves a hole in our heart. There are no words for saying goodbye to a beloved life we’ve shared, only to know we did our very best to return their devotion and to give them the best life they could have had. You know you’ll be with her again. For now I wish you both comfort, love and peace. 🙏🪷❤️
So beautiful, thank you. Having just walked through that door with my beloved familiar, I deeply understand the state you describe.
Maia, I have the same experience too. Our cat Alphonse, suddenly began losing weight and drinking lots of water. The vet gave us kibble for kidneys, but she didn’t eat it. As she became more frail, every night she would come into my room and want to sleep on my chest or right next to me. The love and bond was a joy I’ll never forget, even though she was slowly dying.
Eventually, on afternoon her bowels let go, and unable to even stand, we took her in to be euthanized. My wife, my son and his girlfriend all sat in a small room and watched as she faded into cat Nirvana. Tears still today attach to her. We have an urn and photos, and memories, but her loving being became the impermanence we know.
My heart is with you and Lucy. Every instant!🙏🙏🙏
Surrounding you and Lucy in love and light … 🙏
Lucy is so lucky to have you as her special human 💙 Uncertainty is so dang hard. I’m terrible at it, and terrible at waiting. I hope that y’all can relax into these precious days you have together.
Maia, I really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. It's so good to hear someone speak what we all go through anyway (and are often afraid to admit, even to ourselves). I also enjoyed Chloe's piece, so good. Emotions and the unknown are a difficult combination. I feel my humanness most at those times. Bless you and Lucy as you go through this new experience together.
I'm in a similar situation with my pup, Mandy. She has cancer and there's no real way to predict how long I have left with her. The uncertainty is hard. But at the same time, it makes every moment that I have with her all the more precious and special. Every walk outside, every couch snuggle, every thing - I'm thinking, this could be the last time, let this memory be fixed in my mind and heart. End of life is such a beautiful time of joy and tears all mixed together.
When you write something like this, dear Maia:
“That doesn’t mean to not feel things, not at all. But to find ways to hold the feelings in the largest container in the world – the truth of Love that’s at the heart of everything.”
it offers us, your readers, a chance, a way to see life in a different and better way. Some may never even have thought that way before, and your words may transform their life, who knows? It doesn’t mean you’re a hypocrite because you didn’t tell us about all the times you forgot this truth, or weren’t able to live up to it. You wouldn’t be able to share the sentiment if you didn’t know it in your heart. And knowing it, you write it, because you’re a writer. A writer is not required to confess all of their imperfections. If readers begin to think you are some kind of saint, that is their fault for not remembering that behind every written word is a human being just like them.
Please keep on writing the good stuff, sharing your wisdom and love with others!
Sending lots of love to you and Lucy! ❤️❤️❤️
definitely not a saint : ) was just beginning to feel, though, that there was a layer to 'me' (and we know how illusive that is) that may not have been very visible in previous writings, so it felt important to offer a more whole picture of the many 'me's' that are flowing through 'me.' I know you know what i mean!
Thanks for your encouragement!
Yes, I understand, and in fact, I really appreciated the vulnerability of this post. It was quite beautiful. I think it was just that first part I was responding to. 💚
Oh and also, I’d been thinking lately about how the nature of writing autobiographical essay in general can lead people to believing you are someone you’re not. I’m aware of this when I write, knowing that I’m leaving out all kinds of stuff!
I know, right?! It's a strange experience, perhaps something like what celebrities go through. Not that we are exactly celebrities! But you start to see how easy it is for people to project things on you, and how a lot of the complexity of who we are can get lost in these public personas.
I think everyone has to remember that even memoirists, especially writers of short biographical essays, are storytellers producing a work of art. Nothing is false, and yet the character presented is not the same character as the writer.
In fact, even in a full-length memoir, a writer has her writer’s voice, which is not necessarily the same voice that her friends and family know. Yes?
Well said, Don. Every word we write is both a glimpse inside ourselves, yet it can never be the whole self. I kinda remember you wrote a piece about just that!
Maia, My heart is with you and Lucy. I know how difficult this is and how nothing can be done but to live through it. I found Gina's comment that animals don't experience fear like we do. That's something I'll chew on, and that might help me in the future when I go through this again with my other older cat.
I have been many times where you are with Lucy. It is part of loving and caring for these precious beings and it is never easy. Good that you are leaning on your support system. I wrote about loosing a dog in my post Rocky's Goodbye. Perhaps reading that will help you. Not that you are loosing her yet, but that is the problem with older dogs. We just never know how close the end is. We want to do what is right. But what is right? And as for the other struggles you are having around being a light for others when you are overcome by darkness yourself, good for you. Your light is still there. Your gift is still real. If you had never experienced darkness in your life, how would you know how to lead others out of it? And unfortunately, we generally don't just experience hard things once and then become experts on them. We cycle through the hard times in our life over and over again. That is part of life. Thanks for your writing and your tenacity.
Thanks, Christie. Your words help!
And I have every faith that my light is still there, even in the darkness. My writing about this comes more from a sense of wanting to be in integrity with readers and being open and honest about challenges. Thank you for reading : )
Sweet Lucy and you. All she needs is you, her person, and she will be fine.
It’s is our hearts that need comfort in these times. It’s a terrible ache that we cannot intuit our fur baby’s needs.
Just love on her and comfort your own heart.